In the given lines, the speaker reflects on their inner world and their struggle to conform to societal expectations. Here's an analysis of the lines with reference to the context:
1. "And I was all in me as was life in me..."
- This line suggests that the speaker was completely immersed in their own thoughts and feelings. They were introspective and deeply connected to their own existence. It conveys a sense of self-awareness and introspection.
2. "I wanted to be like men wanted me to be: an attempt at life; a game of hide and seek with my being."
- Here, the speaker expresses a desire to meet the expectations of others, specifically men, highlighting the pressure to conform to societal norms. They see this as an effort to live up to an idealized version of themselves, akin to playing a game of hiding their true self to fit in.
3. "But I was made of nows; when the heralds announced me at the regal parade of the old guard..."
- This part signifies the speaker's realization of their own uniqueness and presence in the present moment. Despite the external pressures to conform, they acknowledge their individuality and existence in the current time. The reference to being announced at a parade suggests a public display of identity or recognition.
4. "the desire to follow men warped in me, and the homage was left waiting for me."
- In this line, the speaker reveals the internal conflict caused by the pressure to conform to societal expectations, particularly those imposed by men. The desire to please others has distorted their true self, leading to a delay in acknowledging the respect or honor ("homage") that is rightfully theirs.
Overall, these lines delve into the speaker's internal struggle between conforming to societal norms and embracing their true identity, emphasizing the tension between external expectations and inner authenticity. The speaker grapples with the conflict between societal pressures and their individuality, highlighting the complexities of self-discovery and acceptance.
